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Behavior
If a man isn't like the average man, then he probably likes the average man. Man Lingo (Mingo) Forbidden Suprious edits to the man code. Men are not allowed to say the following expressions: :*You hurt my feelings. (NOTE: This is only acceptable when told to a woman in an attempt to get sex by being the 'sensitive man'.) :*I'm Lost (Can you give me directions?) :*Did you see Brokeback Mountain? (NOTE: This is acceptable when mocking somebody) :*I've had enough beer. :*No thanks, I'm vegan. :*Where do you see this relationship going? :*I'm too tired to gamble. :*This (food) is too spicy. :*Do I look fat in this? Cute : A Man should only use the word "cute" when referencing a woMan or as an example of irony. The term "cute" in the Man dictionary reads as follows "Ugly, but socially acceptable". Generally a rating from 4 - 6. If a girl is termed, cute, it means that after enough beer, you would sleep with her. Expletives : Swearing when around other Men is acceptable, swearing in the presence of woMen is NOT acceptable unless they are in the Navy or the setting is a professional or collegiate sporting event. Euphemisms : A Man can swear in a variety of ways; however, Men do not use euphemisms/stupid expletive sound-a-likes. Men do not say heck, they say Hell. Men do not say darn. Men do not say fiddlesticks, Princess. Men (with Men) swear like sailors. Feelings : Men have feelings too. This being said, Men do not "talk about their feelings." Men have feelings same as Men have nipples. Both are useless. If you whine like Fallout Boy, be prepared to give milk on command. DIY Honey-Do List : If a Man waits less than two weeks before fixing something after being asked, he is whipped. Manly Job : A Man shall only attempt to Mend or make something when there is a less than Manly job to be done, such as feeding baby or washing dishes. Efficiency : You have not made any mistake if you find that there are extra pieces after reassembling or assembling an object. In fact, you have just found a way to make that object more efficient. Improvements : A man will not only repair a fault, but will attempt to upgrade the original item that was broken. The greater the improvement, the more of a man he is. For example, repairing your grandmothers electric scooter and building in rocket power and automatic weapons is completely acceptable. Professional Assistance : A man will NEVER hire a professional trade worker to do work in his own home. Every man is genetically equipped with the ability to perform plumbing, electrical, and general housing repairs at birth. Should a man not be able to fix a set problem, the fault quite obviously rests with the tools he is using, or any female that is watching. Exception, when a man is intentionally being lazy. Manly Equipment : If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct-tape on it. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40 on it. This rule applies to any and all objects that need mending or fixing. Exception, Fans. (WD-40 breaks fans) Crying Acceptable It is OK for a Man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: :*When a heroic dog dies to save its master. :*The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse. :*After wrecking your boss's car. (these are often tears of laughter) :*Actually seeing Chuck Norris execute a roundhouse kick in real life. :*One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game". :*When Arnie is lowered into the metal at the end of T2, a single tear may roll down your face. :*When struck in the testicles by an object with considerable force. His friends are also allowed to cry with laughter. :*When she is using her teeth. :*Blue Balls :*While it should be avoided, 1-3 tears are permissible while viewing Brian's Song, as football (see manliest sport) is involved. :*When he has found out that he has impregnated his wife, girlfriend or booty call. :*When Renee Zellweger walks on screen. Not for the same reason as rule two. :*When a soldier gives his life for his people and country. Gym Etiquette Gym Faux Pas Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights: :*"Yeah, Baby, Push it!" :*"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" :*"Another set, and we can hit the showers!" :*"I'm not wearing underwear, can you tell?" :*"Nice bulge." :*"Your muscles are just soooo big." Locker Room Gaze : In locker rooms, men shall practice the unfocused "seeing without looking" gaze, enabling them to see where they are going without actually looking at anyone else. Walking around nude in the locker room is wrong! Wear a towel. Shower Faux Pas : Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man in or near the showers::*"Is there room for one more in here?":*"I dropped the soap." :*Anything other than a story about Manly conquests. :*You must not speak to another man while either of you has their penis exposed (i.e. in the bathroom, while scrubbing your balls in the shower, and while getting dressed - before pants are on) :*"Can you reach this spot on my back?" Cleaning Men are required to clean organic particulate matter from areas which may come into contact with human skin in the near future, within their own domiciles. A magazine on the coffee table is not life threatening, even if it remains after the apocalypse. Men don't dust, nor will they clean the kitchen, unless it is a necessary requirement for sex. Phone A Man must never talk to another Man on the phone for more than five minutes, unless he is being guided through the bomb defusing process in a hijacked orphanage/office building. Dancing Most forms of dancing are unmanly, and any man dancing can be called a princess ONCE. Drunken jigs are acceptable however. (bonus points if you can dance better drunk then sober) Jobs All men must aspire to have a manly job, and all men with manly jobs are permitted to look down on those without manly jobs regardless of pay or status. The following jobs are considered manly: :*Assassin :*Astronaut :*Barman :*Builder :*Chefs (Professional chefs, working at Burger King does not count) :*Firefighter :*Geologist (see http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Geologist) :*Gunsmith :*Gynacologist (BOO YA) :*Hunter :*Lumberjack :*MARINE :*Martial Arts Instructor :*Mechanic :*Mercenary :*Women's Fitness Instructor (say what you will, this guy's getting nailed) :*Pilot :*Policeman :*Professional Sportsman :*Roadie :*Sailor :*Secret Agent :*Soldier :*Video games tester :*Any job in the military other than secretaries and nurses